Crazy Shit Sold on Amazon

I’m not entirely sure how I fell down this particular rabbit hole, but I can tell you that once I was down there, I couldn’t stop burrowing. Or drowning. Or whatever.
I absolutely HAD to share, for obvious reasons. You’ll thank me later.

1. Racist Vagina Shrinking Cream.

As in the cream is racist, not the vagina. The vagina is not racist. Mine isn’t, in any case.


Now I know you’re thinking, “Surely that’s not what they mean…” It is. Whole-heartedly.



Yes. Tightens loose vaginas due to frigidity. What in the actual fuck. It might be worth noticing the 285 *mostly positive* reviews for this garbage, but many of the reviewers pointed out that it left behind a “white gritty residue.” GROSS, YOU GUYS. Also, ladies, do me a favor: If a guy doesn’t think your vagina is tight enough, tell him to get a bigger penis.

And speaking of penises…

2. Bodysuit With Penis (For Kids Too)!



I spent a good five minutes pondering this product. What, exactly, would someone need a fullbody penis costume for? Don’t tell me “Halloween” or “a play,” because I’m not buying it. Absolutely the BEST part of this thing is that it COMES IN KID SIZES. Jesus H. Christ.


Wait. WHAT? Depends on how you *prepare* the penis?


3. An Action Figure of Me, If I Didn’t Have Cat Allergies.


Okay, in all seriousness, I may buy this for myself.

4. Glow-In-the-Dark Bike Testicles.


MY BAD. Did I say testicles??? I meant “heart-shaped” night light. I’m totally buying this for someone next Christmas.

5. A $1,312.04 Puffy, Removable Vagina.


You know, I’m not really sure what to say about this, except that it may give me nightmares. Have the manufacturers of this thing ever actually SEEN a real vagina? I’m not sure anyone involved in the creation of this “birthing simulator” has ever even seen a woman naked, come to think of it. Case in point:

Yes. A removable vulva. Because during an actual birthing situation, a woman’s vulva detaches to make the baby come out easier. OBVIOUSLY.


Happy Sunday, everyone. Don’t drink too much.